This Still Counts...

Everyone always has an opinion. They always have their input or their perspective...but yet they've never lived a day in my shoes. So until you've put on my boots, don't tell me how to ride my horse, so to speak.

I have lived my 46 years making sure everyone else was pleased, happy, content and satisfied. Now, many times this was surely due to circumstance or necesssity. But I am slowly figuring it out that I cannot make the world happy and still be content myself.

I want to scream out loud "I love all yall", and at the same time whisper quietly 'why can't ya'll see me'.

So what do you see?

A woman or girl who now is in your life... weak or strong? Sad or happy? You see an alcoholic that you think always has their 'moments' and 'ruins' your nights. You don't ever see how strong that girl was for the last 20 years. You never see how brave she has been to get where she is now. You don't ever actually see the rgirl insde. You have never actually seen me for me...I am a very strong person, happy, great sense of humor, loving of everyone, hardworking to a fault, smart, intelligent, creative, ME.

As I said, your opinion is your own. And my dad would say opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. But maybe I'm just a girl trying to show you who I am down deep, who I am...the woman I have become, who I am without all these problems but BECAUSE of all these problems. All the issues I may have had are building blocks and have created the amazing caring person I am now. And I wish you could just understand that this is something that won't go away. I will always miss him, i will always need him. I was always be a daddy's little girl and now he is gone. I guess i just thought (or he wished) that I would find someone that would take care of me like he wanted someone to.

We are all entitled to our opinion, but when it comes to someone you say you love, that changes. Inasmuch, your opinion should also change. You should see the good in me and know that it is worth it. It's hard, I know, I do it everyday. Believe me, I know. Imagine what I go through...wanting to end it all, not knowing if I'm worth it to anyone, I can barely see the good in me some days. But yet I wake up everyday and force myself to just smile and do it, to keep moving on, to keep going, to love everyone around me. Because once I wake up and realize the life around me is great, I just keep moving. That is all I know to do. I feel unworthy of this life everyday, and yet I still do it. I wish ya'll could see how important that is. When I wake up, I am actually upset that God did not take me in my sleep. Because then no one would have do to deal with my emotions and I would be able to take care of everyone with my life insurance. But then God shakes me in the head and lets me know that if he kept me alive I better do something good today!

I try everyday but I suppose some days don't count. Then I just feel like I'm back at square one. But then I just try again. I wish that I could show you that. They say time heals, but how long does it take? I love him more than when he went away. I wake up everyday and miss my dad, I wake up everyday and feel a void, a huge hole in my heart and in my soul. I get up and just cry in the shower because I know life goes on. Then I just get dressed and go to work. But I miss him more now then when he left me. And then there's a lot of other trauma, but yet I smile, I love, I still give everything!

So I promise myself that I will try to make him proud of me everyday. When I drive home, I realize I haven't done that yet That hurts. I guess the fire burns hottest where it is blue. Then I get home, and look around, and don't see how he couldn't be proud of me. Meaimg I have a house, a home, it is small, but is filled with love and that is what matters ya'll.

Don't make fun of my southern accent, stand up for what needs standing up for, don't just wear the camo but let's go hunting and brnig the cowboy back! That's my real. Every June needs her Johnny Cash, and I just thought you were mine. That you loved me enough to understand and stand by me. They say pressure makes diamonds so how in the hell am I still coal!