change

So it's been a while, so much so that my fingers arthritic by nature and tired by life find it very difficult to hit the correct keys in the right order and much less in the appropriate speed to transfer my racing thoughts to the blaring white screen in front of me, a screen desperate for words. Add to that the blinking cursor urging me to get my thoughts across when I'm not really even sure what those thoughts are. The curveballs so adored by trite quips have been blasted at me faster than a batting cage could spew.

A year ago today I was in a different world, a universe not controlled by time, not even by circumstance. In full honesty, I'm not sure it was steered in the least by anything known to man. I have been a lost vessel in uncharted waters with a tide rebelling against the moon. I suppose most of us were, considering the state of the world. A year later after many unfulfilled promises of' bettering ourselves' and this apparent new normal we were all meant to develop, many of us, including myself are in the same sinking ship perhaps now with more cargo weighing us down to slower speeds.

I've always held tightly to the principle of living and not just existing, but yet, this last year seems very much like just existing. And that is a way of life I refuse to endure. It is vacant. It is morose. And that is without a doubt something I cannot settle for nor will I just let it be. I cannot. I had dreams of South Carolina living, hopes of daydreams and goals of my future that I can no longer put on hold.

Change...a word that is so simple and is mostly misunderstood. But that was my word for this last year. To change how I reacted, to change my perception of today, of tomorrow, of the past, to change how I spent my days, to change how I felt about myself, to change for the better, or at least that is what every ounce of me screamed at me to do. In many ways, I do think, however, that I accomplished this invisible feat, at least a little bit. Invisible, because nobody can actually see the proof of it because it will forever be locked up in the recesses of the true me, mostly because there are but two people who actually know the real me, and one is gone. Nonetheless, I see it and I know it happened (and it will take time, but it IS happening). I looked at my past with open eyes and a forgiving heart and instead of punching it in the face, which is what I thought I had to do, I embraced it and saw the value in the idea that I could take it as part of my footing, as part of my grounding. A stepping stone and learning block, so to speak, because after all, it built who I am today. Somehow that makes sense, or at least it has until now. It may have have been the cause of drunken, emotionally-driven nights, inconsolable tears and unrelenting emotions in the past but now it is merely a riser in the steps to the eventual me. Some are chipped, some are quite jagged, and some are smooth. But in the end, they lead to me, and that's not a bad destination. I only know this, because I'm here.

I've made amends to those I've hurt, annoyed or bothered and that means more than any written or spoken word. And that was one of my goals in 2020. It's sad to me that so much of the real me has been lost on so many due to the 'cover', the mask, the outside persona I put out there for twenty years. So many people say " if you really knew me, you'd love me". But in my case, it might be true. There's much more to me than the surface and the pieces you saw that were tainted with the scars of my past. But I don't expect that grace or patience from anyone. I just know that if you knew what was really in my heart, you might like me more than you don't like me. I don't expect love, and no I'm not complaining or vying for it.

Oddly enough, I've been blessed with a more-than-loving family and I've never felt the need for love from others in order to love others. Not to say I wouldn't appreciate it, or that I don't dream of being in love, and being loved unconditionally or that I don't appreciate having true, honest and forever friends. But I also know that is a far off dream, and that is ok. What I mean to say is that my relationships with friends, with family or significant others is so different than what most expect. I don't demand, expect or rely on their response to my love, or their reciprocation.Incredulous as that might sound it's so very true. Perhaps I'm an anomaly. I give my heart, my loyalty and my attention without any expectation of it being returned. I don't know how else to be, even if it is to my detriment in the long run sometimes. For me, the joy or fulfillment in my heart, comes from just showing it to others. I don't really expect it to be returned. I know that sounds trite or nearly impossible. But it's true, I'm not sure I've ever shown someone love with the hope or expectation that they show it in return. And I guess that is what might make me or destroy me.

Regardless, I'm quite sure I can't be any other way. Rear views don't exist in my ride of life I suppose, that's kind of been my pattern, and in a good way. Maybe I spin my wheels half the time but once in a while I get that long ride, cool breeze in my hair, windows down, radio loud and moonlight leading me to wherever I thought I was never meant to go. There are days when I truly feel a euphoria just being alive, whether it's driving on an open road, hugging or being hugged by someone special, a great conversation, a perfect song while I dance like a wild woman, or even just sitting quietly next to a gentle soul with whom I feel safe and forever. That feeling of forever, it's a beautiful sensation. Uncommon, rare but never scary in my opinion. It feels safe, it feels like home, it feels like real love. And that feeling alone keeps me giving it back and showing the parts of me that no one ever sees. And then there's that...the vulnerability.

Vulnerable, susceptible, unguarded...ugh. Not a great feeling at the root. But somehow my distorted, damaged and assailed soul exists and somehow gets stronger, my heart beats much faster than the wails of worry and pangs of regret once when I'm with you and in your arms. Somehow, unspoken truths and unknown possibilities become visions of what could be, and for a moment, no matter how short, are possible and comforting. But then the sun rises and life comes to call. You have your separate life of which I'm not privy. And somehow, I understand .I'm not worthy of that part of you, and I guess that has to be okay. You show me such great love when it's just you and I, so I suppose that's fine.

If you only knew how much strength it took me to take that dive into the ocean of love for you, I knew it would hurt me in the end. I knew I'd crash, but somehow, I still let it happen. I ran into it full speed. For half a minute (half a heartbeat or a thousand ) I thought I might have found the one I could give my heart to and who would take mine and more importantly, take care of mine.

But a year makes a big difference, May 15, to be exact. To me, that's a huge year, I found myself, I found you, and more importantly I found happiness. I will never be perfect but I'm better than I was last year this time. I wish you could see the difference. I wish you could see me, the me that loves you unconditionally.

You found the best of me somehow , so much so that I find it hard to breathe around you because I'm afraid to lose that moment, to lose you. That moment when it all seems so right. And it's so off-key because I know my heart and it doesn't allow for that. I'm good alone, always have been. But somehow, I stopped everything to learn to love you.

Change...I changed, I grew, I became who I always was. And as time would prove, it was not what you wanted forever. Maybe I am not what you imagined. Maybe I am not what you thought I was. But the me you saw just wanted to be yours. I thought I could start over with you. I thought we matched, I just thought we were better together. But then...change...