In Wish I Knew (Nina Simone) written in 2021!!

I wish I knew how

It would feel to be free

I wish I could break

All the chains holding me

I wish I could say

All the things that I should say

Say 'em loud say 'em clear

For the whole round world to hear

I wish I could share

All the love that's in my heart

Remove all the bars

That keep us apart

I wish you could know

What it means to be me

Then you'd see and agI wish I knew how

It would feel to be free

I wish I could break

All the chains holding me

I wish I could say

All the things that I should say

Say 'em loud say 'em clear

For the whole round world to hear

I wish I could share

All the love that's in my heart

Remove all the bars

That keep us apart

I wish you could know

What it means to be me

Then you'd see and agI wish I knew how

It would feel to be free

I wish I could break

All the chains holding me

I wish I could say

All the things that I should say

Say 'em loud say 'em clear

For the whole round world to hear

I wish I could share

All the love that's in my heart

Remove all the bars

That keep us apart

I wish you could know

What it means to be me

Then you'd see and agI wish I knew how

It would feel to be free

I wish I could break

All the chains holding me

I wish I could say

All the things that I should say

Say 'em loud say 'em clear

For the whole round world to hear

I wish I could share

All the love that's in my heart

Remove all the bars

That keep us apart

I wish you could know

What it means to be me

Such sweet words that truly move my heart. (Nina Simone-not just my favorite singer, but my favorite song!)I think tonight I felt the worst pain in my heart that I've felt since my father passed. And yet I knew to play that song and recoup. Those words in that song for some ungodly reason make me regain every ounce of energy I've ever needed to keep going. It's such an odd sensation that a song, that song, could make my heart start palpitating in a good way. Like, somehow everything seems right again. After so long of everything feeling so wrong for so long. But yet still...

And then after the tide subsides, even though you see the storm coming, I give it all. 100%, my heart, my soul, my truth, my most sacred secrets, things that no one knew but now you do, thinking that maybe it will be just fine, that it'll be ok, I give it all, thinking that maybe the you will understand and think I'm worth it... I give all to you and your family, even more than I thought I had to give. And all of a sudden that tsunami I thought I was fighting off comes crushing down over me, not just drowning me, but suffocating me. I believed that by sharing with someone my past I could build up a barricade that could resist it, that could at least help fight off the wave of destruction that I knew was coming. I swim hard because they they say I can trust them, then I turn back and realize I am in the deep and alone, they are not swimming with me anymore.. And then I realize that it is nothing but words,, what they said. And yet I swim hard in this ocean and when I look around all I see are harder waves. So I keep looking forward and swim even harder. Because that is all I know. To swim hard and fast and ...alone.

Maybe it's too much for anyone to help me with. It's probably too much to ask, What can I do? Imagine what I feel. Imagine how it must feel to be me and not want this? Imagine what it must feel like to be me and know that I am MORE than than "this past" and yet no one sticks around along enough to see me? But I know that's ridiculous because how could you know, because it's too much and maybe I'm just not worth it. And how could you know I don't want this. I wish more than anything I could be someone you could just love unconditionally. I've dreamed, I've prayed for someone to see me, the real me, to just love me, along with my faults that sometimes are hard to bear, to know I am worth it because I know I am. I want to someone to love me from the moment they kiss me good morning to the moment they kiss me goodnight. But I always seem to destroy it in the middle.

When I'm with you, twisted in your arms, you feel like home, I feel safer than I have ever felt before. I should say now, I "felt" safe. Because now I don't have that, that safety, that "I got you", . I guess that really is something reserved for married or way-committed couples, that "forever" feeling, that security, or maybe I'm delusional. I'm 43 and not married but I thought I'd met my better half, someone who would be with me through thick and thin, I never asked for anything, not a ring, no commitment, hell, I was even ok with not living together but you knew I wore my heart on my sleeve and that heart was yours, and it wasn't an easy one to give away. And you knew it was brittle. And you knew what came with it. And yet I gave it to you without hesitation and without conditions. That is unconditional love. And that was scary for me to do so but I did it.

I guess what I didn't realize was that I would not be the same to you. To me, you were my dream, you were everything I'd prayed for, everything I'd hoped for, everything that I would fight through anything for. I'd been chasing you since I knew what love could be, just didn't know it was you. But I suppose I'm used to seeing the taillights of my dreams more than I thought I was. It hurts but somehow I just knew I'd be seeing you in the rearview mirror. What I feel for you is more than I thought I could feel for anyone anymore, I just thought you and I were classic, they don't make them like us anymore, is what I thought . I had literally closed myself off after everything until I met you. And when I met you I couldn't help but love you in an instant, and unconditionally at that.

I had so much heartache before and I honestly thought I was just fine by myself, you know that . I had plans, South Carolina, new beginnings, I had dreams of starting over in a whole different part of this country, in this world! And I stopped those plans because I saw something in you. I just didn't realize those plans would change so much when I re-met you. But I took a big chance to start over right here where I started against all my whims and against my better judgment, and somehow you were you exactly what I needed. You have an amazing soul, a huge warm heart, a fantastic family that I love, and a magic I never knew I needed. Your arms feel like heaven, your smile is like sunshine to me, your voice feels like a grace that gives me a peace I have never felt. And your love felt like a blessing I thought I finally deserved. I suppose my penance is not completed.

I suppose I'm not what you thought I was, but I am really. All the good things you saw in me are still me. It's like an antique lamp but maybe you just need to replace the wiring and maybe it takes some time but once that is done it is still that beautiful one of a kind piece. They don't make them like that anymore.

I would never leave you alone, I would never leave your side, I would never betray you, I would never let you be alone if you needed someone, I would always take care of you if you were sick or just tired, I would always be there for you. I gave you my whole heart, damaged or not. I can't erase my past. And I wish it wasn't mine to erase. But the only good thing it did, was teach me not only what real love is, but also how strong and loving I am as a person, and that means a lot. And if that's not enough, then I don't know what is. I try my best every day to show everyone how much I appreciate and love them.

Life is short, life can be brutal but I do know one thing--I've lost a father, which was probably my biggest heartbreak, and then I've had a few minor heartbreaks since then. And because I don't like to get into detail, some really bad relationships... Caring or loving someone , truly loving someone, is rare. And if you can do that unconditionally, even after you have been hurt physically and emotionally, that is even more rare and when someone can do that even when, especially when, they've been broken so many times ... that is pretty amazing, That is a good heart. That is a good soul. That is TRUE.

Truth is I'm a tough cookie, and the best part is that it's a new dawn, it's a new day, and the most curious thing about me is as I much I wish to be her seagull in the sky that just flutters around I am more the goldfish that swims around and forgets everything as I swim around an Jonathan Livingston has nothing on me.

I will still love you, and I will respect your decision to not be with me, I tried the

best way I knew how.I am still learning how to be me after all those years when I could not. But I'm trying,

You see the shore, and maybe I just see the waves in front or me, what can I do?