Meh... there is no catchy title.

So many times in life we feel we are not enough, that we are not worthy, that we are not valuable. All of these times are essentially bullshit, yes I said it, bullshit. We, as humans, are so very adept at feeling bad for ourselves, feeling guilty, that we are not worthy of goodness, much less greatness. But these are all self-imposed limitations and impressions that are exactly what hinders us from evolving into the actual future of ourselves that we had envisioned, of what we are destined to become. Only when we can quell that negativity, that self doubt, and essentially say F U, I will be who I am meant to be, do we discover who we are. Do you remember being 10 years old and thinking of who you would be once you "grew up"? That is still you and you still have every opportunity to be that.

We can achieve success, in business, in life, in what we think "success up" means. We can overwhelm ourselves with this and in doing so start believing that unless we are busy and overwhelmed, than we are not being productive or fruitful goor worthy. This state of being overwhelmed becomes our normal, it becomes who we are. It evolves into this driving force that is insatiable. 'The more we do, the better we are...'. And that is actually not ok, nor is it productive in the long run, we will burn out. This is a prime example of my idea that our greatest strength can also be our weakness.

Our greatest strength may be resilience, at least it is mine. And I thrive on this fact. I am a steel bastion of strength and endurance and resilience in all aspects of my life. I even had a very close friend of mine refer to me as the rubber ducky...I keep afloat no matter what. But it may also be our downfall, you cannot always keep afloat without some struggle. And that struggle will only help you grow and be a better version of you. As much as I hate that colloquialism, it is very poignant. From the day you are born, you are "meant" to be someone, whether it is your parents lineage or just what they hope you will become. But most importantly who YOU decide to become. And this is where the hard part starts, YOU have to decide who you become and then YOU have to do that. And that is easier said than done. And then you feel like you always have to be taking care of everyone else.

We should all take a road trip through our lives. Let's at least make sure we don't half-ass it. We owe that to ourselves. This is the wisdom of living. We cannot merely EXIST. That should never be an option. We all have the opportunity, the blessing, the gift of LIVING! It has become harder and harder to actually LIVE, because we are preoccupied with bills, and schedules, and these life tasks that consume our days and minds. So what is the road trip through our lives?

The road trip involves so much more than you though it would. You are going to see the worst of you, and the best of you, and sometimes you may not even see the difference. This road trip involves detours, it involves road blocks, it involves being completely lost on your own messed up highway and then finding your way back on to your right track. So here we go...

Do you want to be a stranger or a best friend to yourself your whole life? Why on earth would you fight yourself? But we do it everyday, we fight that battle of who we are and who we want to be every single day. Don't...literally don't. It's easier than you think, just be who the hell you are and how you feel, say what you think and do what you want to do. It will give you a freedom you have never felt. The sooner you realize that at the end of the day you will only have you to face, the better. You are your own worst enemy, you are the jury and the judge and most likely your verdict will be that you were not guilty, but only guilty of bothering others. But do it...look yourself in the actual mirror and admit all your faults and then state your retribution, and then let go of it. Let it be. It's done. And you are fine. We can never make up for our past, but we can a make a better life for us and everyone around us.

Know that you are NOT your worst. It may feel like that sometimes, but you are more than that. I remember my USNA motto...pain is only weakness leaving the body...and that is 100 true...every worst part of me that comes out of me...no matter how it does, is literally just a little piece of pain leaving and in its place will be one more seed for the flower of beauty and peace that will grow there! I will at one point give a meaning to every ounce of pain that leaves my body. And that may take time, but everyday my body lets it go, my brain lets it go, just understand that my heart takes a little longer to let it go from my memory. And my protection for my own soul has been to block off or go on another route. But on my quest to have a 100 commitment to myself, I have learned that I have to forgive myself...and that my be the hardest thing ever. For me personally, I feel I have hurt so may people around me, but I hope they all can understand that this is a process and I'm trying every day. It is much more than they could ever understand.

Forgiveness means so much spiritually, it means letting go and it means literally saying "It's ok, you're fine.", and to be honest, that is not ok with me, because I don't like myself half the time. It can not be ok unless you actually feel ok! You have to feel it and want it. You have to FORGIVE yourself. This is something I struggle with every day, there are things in my life that I will never forgive myself for. Wanting it might be that hardest part. You may have gotten so used to the idea that you have to hurt, that you have to feel bad, that you have to suffer for you to be "ok". Because your suffering became your normal, and it made you feel that you had some recompense for the horrible things you'd done in your life. But that is not fair to you and it will certainly not get you to the point of helping others.

I might be talking crazy, but I'm finally listening to myself. I took the lid off the boiling pot that was holding everything inside that I thought and felt. That lid was boiling...I kept it there and I maintained it always taking the heat lower when necessary so it wouldn't overboil...here were go... its Icarus...

Icarus knew what he wanted. He wanted it ALL! And then he got it and was ultimately destroyed by his own devices. He never knew that questions deliver answers. There is a process and we cannot expect the most out of something to which we are giving minimal attention to. So who we are means alot, and then we give it all, but yet we have it and we still feel empty, useless, unmotivated. Then we recognize that we are so much more than what we think we are. We can help people, we can still fly to the sun to get our goal without getting too close to the point that we burn out literally. But we must fight the fear of getting too close, like we can fail, guess what...as long as you do it, you cannot fail. For things to change, YOU have to change, it is automatic. Progress. Do it! Fly to highest point, why not?

I personally am struggling with being sober. I don't know how to do it. I'm fighting with myself half the time. But I know I am a good person and I am worth it. If it were me, dealing with someone like me...I would give them my all. But it's not, so i get it. It is not easy, I don't deny that, but imagine what you feel, times 1000, that is my daily struggle. And that is ok, because, it is my life, it is my burden, but just try to see that I am trying.

Someone told me once " Make yourself as valuable as they are willing to pay for you"...and then "make yourself more valuable than they can never decide to go with someone else". And I do this with my business but when it comes to me...maybe I'm just not that valuable. There are certain things that pragmatically run our lives every day, but emotions cause so much chaos. It causes war, it causes divorces, it causes sadness. I got lucky, I started a business that was at the time and still is indispensable. But in a few years, I'm sure I will also be dispensable.

But what do you have? What is the one THING you love, that makes you alive, do that, dear god, do that...do not feed into your fear...do not be scared of what you can do. We are born with acceptance but then we grow into these adults that we think everybody hates, that is fear. Turn your fear onto yourself, make it show who you are really are. Face your fear in the face...maybe it is a new job, maybe it is a new religion, maybe it is just a new habit...do IT! You will never have this moment again, do it.

What is the difference between fear and faith? It is a very thin line. Fear is not knowing what will happen next, terrified of it, dreading it... faith is knowing that it will be ok, reliance on a higher power that everything will turn out just fine, you might still be scared but you have some type of comfort Fear is concentrating on the worst, what could be BUT what what ever might be, so let it go. There will always be some type of amalgamation of the two, but look them in eye either way.

Life is too short to live this way. I cannot and I will not live this way...I just have to remind myself of that everyday. I promise myself that I will have a bed and breakfast somewhere, somehow, whether it is in SC, or in in Italy, or anywhere else... I WILL do it, because I'm tired of people telling me I can't. I will also have thriving nonprofit and will be successful in that too and will be HAPPY because I can do all of that and still be great to all of you!