For a Moment I Was Lost..

Those secret tears shed behind closed doors. Those are the ones that burn your skin, that pierce your everyday armor with razor sharp edges that only you can feel, that only you can heal, that only you can cover as soon as the door opens back to the reality you've escaped even if it's just for a brief moment to purge those pangs of inadequacy, of pain, of remorse. Phew, ok, clean your face, dry your eyes, freshen up your mascara, bite your lips so they're a beautiful pink rose and take a deep breath...now look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a rock, you are a warrior, you are a queen, you can...do...this. And now take that frail, shaking hand that truly only wants to accompany its partner and cover your fear soaked eyes and sit on that toilet and cry for hours, take that hand and open the damn door. Deep breath...one more time. Close your eyes and repeat whatever mantra helps you keep taking the next step, whatever reassurance you need to help you move forward to the next obstacle on this godforsaken course of debilitating and seemingly unattainable trophies and insatiable hopes. Walk into that jagged world biting at you at every turn, sneering behind your back when you make a wrong turn as if it knew you were headed to disaster, go ahead...pretend to mock it because we all know you're pretending...but just know...at least we all are.

We can't say we are in this alone because we are not. We've never been. But are we truly with each other, what is "with"? That would imply a closeness, a connection, a real knowing of who we are as individuals, of how we fit with each other. To fit, we would need to unwound acknowledge our edges, our innards, our curves. The each other we've come to know is nothing but a window dressing we've chosen to share. And I now CHOOSE to bare it all. Damn, that's scary really, so let me take that back. I choose to try to bare it all. Because without that, how can we really be with each other. If we're all just images of ourselves, we are really just collages of images and not a real blending of souls, of friendships, of hearts, of love, of lives.

All too often, we think to ourselves that we are close to our group, our tribe, our families, our communities. But we are not. And this is where we need to be right now, not just now but always, and forever. These times bring out the best and the worst of us, but the worst may be exactly what we all need to share, in order to see that it's ok to be us, to be real, to be genuine, to cry those tears out loud, instead of muffling them behind a running shower (we've all done it). Scream it, shout it, cry it at the top of your lungs. This may be the only time we can do this and not seem psychotic. How many times have you denied yourself a good cry in front of others? Um...ALL the time. Because it's not normal, it's not ok, according to our social norms, But I want to tell you this right now... smiles are not the only thing that should be publicly shared, held and respected. Tears, screams, shouts of anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, fear, and most of all unknowing are most certainly emotions that need to be shared, spoken (shouted at times), released, expunged so as to liberate not just ourselves as individuals but each other as a community, as families, as partners, as friends, as a world of co-existing...co-living...and co-loving human beings.

The world today proves that the hammer shapes the hand, that the consequences sometimes outweigh the cause. But all good things must come to an end. So this good thing we had ended, the materialistic, money driven, social media provoked, easy life has now ended. It's not endING, it's done for and let's just see that. Shelves are bare, people are dying and lives are shook. Would this not be the best time to recalibrate our wings today in order to fly tomorrow. Would it not be the most opportune time to be allowed to show who we really are, who we have been this whole time but feared exposing. I do believe we've all had some experience with self-preservation and self-designation meaning we decided at some point who we wanted to be and we just lived that, we put on that cape and insignia and resigned ourselves to it while cowering in the dark when we we were terrified of who we really were, who we really are. Sucks doesn't it? To be stuck with yourself and who you've been all this time but masked, hidden, covered and protected in your cloak of job title, social ranking, make-up, familial status and a dozen other labels, etc.

You can choose to be who you are right now and make the best of it or you can choose to be who you always were, it's completely up to you. That tingle, that vibration of your true-self will sound loud enough soon to ring through you like a siren of lightning proportions I hope, and force you to look at...no...STARE at yourself in that mirror before you walk into your reality with strong eyes and a warrior face that is the true one. You will see the power in your tears finally. They are not drippings of weakness strolling along your skin as if they had the road mapped out long ago, but they will travel down your cheeks as if they were simply draining into the air where you showered them with the light of your indestructible soul that vaporizes them upon contact. Because YOU are more than those fears leaving your body, evacuating your mind, you are more than anything that could ever hold you down. Little nothings, tiny beings that tried to overpower your true self but could never recreate who you really were inside, down deep, in the dark, in that bathroom crying were noone see you. Never lose faith in your own ability to rise above any tide that forces you into its bowels. This does not take muscle, it is not self motivation, it is not life driven, it is truly just your own heart but you're going to have to dig deep. Beneath all that bullshit you've piled on top of your childhood memories, teenage angst and adult worries is a fiery beast of yourself that has been dying to breathe its fire on the world. And that's the fire we waited for, its the embers we need to start the enlightened world that has been waiting for...it's you.

YOU are the silver setting sun on that beach we all remember, YOU are the pleasant voice we hear when we are angry, YOU are the shallow when we feel too deep, YOU are the fire when we are freezing, YOU are the weight we crave when we are too wildly, YOU are the calm we crave when the storm is too much, YOU are the touch we crave when we feel alone. YOU are the bold typeface when my typing cannot fully express how much i love you and appreciate the existence of You.

Please shed those those tears with someone you love, they will love you more. Share those emotions with someone you trust, they will trust you more. Invest those fears in people, they will invest in you more. Do not by any mean suffocate your "you", it will only wither away into an un-knowing and we need you here breathing, living, loving, and being here with us. Dig down past those years, moments, memories, and find who the hell you really are. They're still there, you just lost them along the way. But when you find them, you'll understand the why and and the how. They were always there, you just wiped them away, breathed them to infinity, pushed them to the corner. I guarantee you, the person, the soul, the heart, stuck

between the then and the now, is the best you that you'll ever come across. It will be a fantastic reunion, and if it's not, I will still be yours. And I'll old enough to know I will die but I'm young enough to know I will still keep trying to know you.