String Me Up

As pre-heartbreak girls we are intoxicated by the images of our knight in shining armor, or in my case, a very young John Cusack holding a boombox blaring Peter Gabriel. These dreams implanted in our refreshingly naive hearts by Crowe and others seem to morph into an unattainable expectation of blissful made-for-tv first kisses, of all too perfect serendipitous meetings and of what we hope, no, of what we know will evolve into a lifetime of forehead kisses, impromptu dances in the kitchen and years of sheer joy and laughter and yes, love. What they failed to mention was that Lloyd Dobbler does not actually exist, at least not in his entirety in one human being. He was merely a figment of Crowe's imagination or perhaps an extension of who he'd once hoped to be for someone in his life but never seemed to embody. So we dive into the oceans of teenage love with reckless abandon and heart first. Maybe it's one, maybe a it's a few, bad relationships later but at some point we are all forced to come to the devastating realization that love is not easy, it's not always kind and it sure as hell is not always and forever. And before misassumptions are made I am not at all a cynical heartbroken woman with angst and scorn seething from my fingertips. I am rather quite the opposite really. Truly I am a woman who has an unpredictable nature to a fault, a knack of sorts to entangle her heart into a web of flurried highs and irrevocably dismal lows. I just never allow that same heart to take up too much space in either the emotionally charged highs or equally fatal lows.

There is an ancient chinese proverb, or at least that is what they tell me and let's be honest it makes everything sound better, called the red string theory. The "old man in the moonlight" ties predestined people together. The thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break. It ensures that two people will cross paths at some point in their lives. Perhaps it's us humans that entangle ourselves into a wicked web of snares and knots that works against the old man's intentions. These strings tie us and bind us to others whether family, friends or lovers in ways that can be confusing, ill-timed and life changing. It could possibly be that charms or proverbs were simply invented in an effort to quell our ever questioning minds filled with doubts and worries. Like a fall back, a satisfactorily calming reliance to help us through the times of wondering, well, not to sound trite but...what the f?! I'm not sure I believe in this imaginary red string that is meant to link me to specific personas in my life. But one thing I do know is that certain people have an indelible effect on our lives. It is only up to us, however, to determine that effect. It is our decision, our choice, our ineterpretion of events that will end in either magic or pain. This is the power that we can never leave up to chance, should never gift to others and most certainly can never bestow on something so delicate as a string. The power to determine our own condition of the heart and mind. I for one have developed over time and over hours of tears mixed with a bit of laughter, my own mechanisms to take each and every heartbreak and recover quite quickly. I lie and say I have no emotions, that I'm a tough shelled soul, a woman who resembles the stereotypical male lead in most rom-coms. But it's not true, I'm bursting at the seams with emotions, with feelings, every day and some days stronger than others. But perhaps I've learned to take the heartbreaks and think of them more as heartaches, for it's never really broken is it. It's stronger than we imagine. I recover quickly because I take those feelings of inadequacy, of wasted years, of unrequited devotion and pack them into a neat little, highly organized protective armor and wear it proudly.

I will always and forever continue to give two hundred percent of myself and with an expectation of receiving absolutely zero in return not because I'm weak or naive or a fan of punishment. I'll continue to be exactly who I am because I simply will never allow someone else's treatment of my heart to predetermine my heart's course of action. It's my heart after all and red string or not, it will certainly be tied to many paths of love or friendship and hopefully one day, both in one. And how would it be deemed fair to only give a portion of my heart anyways, that would only serve to undermine the next person's own heart. My heart is strong, courageous and my mind at ease because of this. So although Lloyd Dobbler may not actually exist and these red strings tied to us all seem to tangle and maybe even wear thin to the point of missed opportunities, there's absolutely no beat in my heart that tells me to stop imagining the most wonderful end to any story in my life's novel filled with out of sync chapters and awkward moments that turn into sweet memories. This is the magic. So yes, thank you to those of you who have broken my heart, sometimes even unbeknownst to you, because what felt like heartache at first, has quietly evolved into a bionic heart that beats faster and stronger and prouder.